I feel good. I truly am the happiest, I think I’ve ever been as an adult, right now.
Life comes with the typical ebbs and flows, the light and the dark, the good and the bad; but I am embracing them with a different understanding of life in general. I often joke about 29 being an arbitrary age, with little significance, but in all honesty, it has been such a blessing for me, thus far. It has really been the year I’ve been most comfortable in my “no.” and making my needs a priority.
I am single, no children, and really am enjoying the life God has blessed me with. I feel so thankful to be thriving in my career, especially a creative one, and my friendships are thriving as well. I no longer use the term “friend” as freely as I did before, so naturally my circle has become much tighter, and condensed with age, and I couldn’t be happier about it.
I’m also noticing that I’ve developed a large fatigue with dating in general, haha. This pains me, as I am a being of love with so much love I want to shower upon everyone, but I find myself so exhausted with the dating pool available to me. It’s become so difficult not to become lethargic when thinking about engaging in a romantic partnership. I go back and forth in my mind with “it’s me….it’s gotta be me….maybe I want and require too much……” versus, “….nah, it ain’t you.” Admittedly, many of my thoughts do find themselves back to the idea of one day finding true love. When I arrive at those thoughts, I typically question whether I am even ready to receive the love I hope for, if it exists, and it is something I can live without. My answer to all three is, presently, Yes. And I am ok with it. That also leads me to believe that the path I am on currently, with myself as the priority, is the right one to be on. The way I see it is, love will meet me when and however it chooses.
Something else I have noticed in year 29, is the sheer joy I get during extended breaks from technology, and social media. I am not sure, but I believe the kids born in my era from approximately 83-91 are the last of the generations who had a full childhood without internet. I also think that directly informs my need to pull away from this shit sometimes. I really do enjoy mental quietness. The constant scrolling, intrusive headlines, horrible news updates, and staring at the phone — it’s a headache honestly. Recently I’ve made these technology breaks a part of my general routine. It recharges me to stay unplugged, and only communicate on a limited level when absolutely necessary. Making this something I do routinely has definitely helped reduce some of my anxieties, and also keeps my mood higher in general. Overall, unplugging definitely keeps me vibrating at my highest frequency.
I think I have mentioned this before, but I am also noticing a huge shift in the level of compassion I have for others. As I write this I am almost in tears, humbled by God’s grace and love for me. I am truly thankful to feel for others in this capacity, and my prayer is that God will continue to clean my heart, and make it a reflection of His love. I find myself so moved by love in general, and it really has opened my mind in regards to how I deal with family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers. In my past I think I was very abrasive and harsh in defense and as a way to protect myself from the critiques and heartbreaks from others. Those walls have totally dissolved during my adult years, and the approach I think I meet people with now is one of grace and understanding. I am way more aware that not all experiences are the same, thus no one person being the same and their choices are reflections of their own personal journeys. When I feel myself reacting to other people in a way that does not feel like it stems from love, I will disengage. It’s become such a priority for me. Once, where it was nothing to cuss someone out or cut them off completely, is now my effort to understand them, love them, or feel ok with removing myself from the situation without bitterness, anger, or irrational thoughts and to welcome forgiveness. *shouts* Gloooooray! Hahaha. This was not always you Jordan. Keep growing and pushing yourself queen.
That also reminds of the theme of mindful indulgence….It’s been a reoccurring one in my late twenties. I’ve been much more conscious and intentional about what I’m consuming in general. Whether it’s the conversations I choose to engage in, the foods I eat, people in my circle, activities I participate in or even where I choose to spend my time — the things I indulge in must nourish me; and if they don’t, I’m questioning why I am even entertaining it. This mindset has helped me immensely and I am so thankful to arrive at this point. Admittedly it isn’t always easy to keep this perspective when things that don’t feed the soul “feel good”. But in year 29, my conscious is usually louder than my own stupidity, haha. And to God be the glory.
Another point (I am so all over the place but….this is me); music sounds so different now. Lyrics I’ve sung my whole life, are clicking now. Melodies I’ve known my whole life, are so much sweeter now. I’ve enjoyed music for my entire existence, but the experience now feels much more…..informed. The way music moves me is way more emotional, spiritual, and urgent. It’s such a major part of my day, if not critical. Music has always been a friend to me, and I’m finding that, that friendship is one of the ones I appreciate the most. Not only has music been one of my favorite artistic expressions, but it has linked me to some truly interesting and deeply beautiful souls. I’ve met some amazing people because of music, and our shared love of it, and again am deeply, deeply thankful. Music continues to be the language of love, and common ground among all of the different circles I am a part of, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.
My love for music also reminds me of my love of being at home. My home is truly my sanctuary. I’ve always loved me time, and as an only child, and an introvert, I typically thrive in solo settings. It’s how I recharge. I am so thankful for a space where I can decompress, and truly just be. It is a huge blessing to have cultivated such a love nest to return to after constant travel for work and being out in this crazy world. Coming home is a huge breath of fresh air for me, and I am so happy to feel at peace when I am there.
Family is something I currently I have bittersweet feelings about. On one hand I have my immediate family that I am able to hear from often and maintain close relationships with. I am so, so thankful for their love, support, and presence in my life. It’s such a blessing to be able to have people who love you unconditionally, without expectation to perform, provide, or please. They just love you, for you. And that’s ill. And on the other hand it pains me that I don’t know or have very good relationships with a lot of my family. Whether it is family here in the states, or family in Jamaica, there are huge strains and disconnects amongst my family and it pains me deeply. I daydream about finding solutions to the brokenness amongst some of my family, and very much wish we could come together more often. My prayer is that God will show me what I need to do to help with a solution and help my family on both sides mend what pains us and keeps us separate.
It’s such an introspective time. I am so thankful to be here. I pray that my thirties can be a reflection of God’s love and presence in my life. My current goals, as I finish my twenties, are to keep manifesting love, continue mindful indulgence, and to be a better reflection of God’s love and grace.